Rum

Craig to friend:  According to Brandie, your ability to consume large amounts of rum makes you a pirate.

Can I Pee On This?

Erica and I are going to a costume ball, and she rented me a costume.

Me: Erica, this is such an amazing skirt, I'd love to keep it.

Erica: I'm glad you like it, but you can't keep it.

Me: What if I claimed it, like I marked it?  Could I keep it if I peed on it?

The Plague

While watching a documentary on the Dark Ages.

Narrator: The bubonic plague systems would begin with chills, nausea, vomiting and light sensitivity.

Me: Honey, I think we've figured out the root of your migraines.

Craig: I have the plague?

Woof

Dog: Woof

Craig: Woof

Me: Should I be worried you're talking to our dog?

Craig: Should I be worried you're not?

Mr. Chernow

Note: when we got married, we decided not to take the same name.

Me: Just got a wedding invite addressed to Craig & Brandie Chernow. I guess my hubby is now Mr. Chernow. That's the next best thing to Mr. SparkleMagic.