MTV

Craig: My friend's 13 year old niece just realized that the M in MTV stood for music.

Me: I feel old.

Ironing

Me: Honey, why are there holes in the ironing board?

Craig: I accidentally drilled holes in it?

Me: What?

Craig: You heard me correctly.

Art

At 3:30 am...

Craig: I'm working on an art project.

Me: Should I be concerned?

Craig: I'm only using one volatile chemical.

The Coolest Nerd

Craig: I make logical assumptions, because that's how I roll.

Me: You sound like you're the coolest nerd.

Craig: I am the coolest nerd.  It's a low bar.

Morning Person

Craig: I don't care about anything in the morning.

Me: Honey, it's noon.

Craig: I'm a nihilist before four.

The Zombie You Meet On The Street

Amanda: My friend organized that zombie protest.

Me: Craig was just telling me about it.  What a small, undead world we live in.

Kool-Aid

Me: Honey, do you really thing it is a wise idea to have a pitcher of Kool-Aid on the floor?

Craig: I don't understand.

Rum

Craig to friend:  According to Brandie, your ability to consume large amounts of rum makes you a pirate.

Can I Pee On This?

Erica and I are going to a costume ball, and she rented me a costume.

Me: Erica, this is such an amazing skirt, I'd love to keep it.

Erica: I'm glad you like it, but you can't keep it.

Me: What if I claimed it, like I marked it?  Could I keep it if I peed on it?

The Plague

While watching a documentary on the Dark Ages.

Narrator: The bubonic plague systems would begin with chills, nausea, vomiting and light sensitivity.

Me: Honey, I think we've figured out the root of your migraines.

Craig: I have the plague?

Woof

Dog: Woof

Craig: Woof

Me: Should I be worried you're talking to our dog?

Craig: Should I be worried you're not?

Mr. Chernow

Note: when we got married, we decided not to take the same name.

Me: Just got a wedding invite addressed to Craig & Brandie Chernow. I guess my hubby is now Mr. Chernow. That's the next best thing to Mr. SparkleMagic.

Our Marriage

Craig: If we wrote our ketubah in Klingon, do you think anyone would notice?


Me: Depends who was reading it.


Craig: You're right.  Some of our friends speak Klingon.

Shut Up Kids

As we walk through our apartment complex, some of the kids are being extra noisy.  I have a bad migraine.

Craig (to a seven year old boy): Hey, how do you say, "Shut up, I have a headache," in Spanish?

Boy: ¡Cállate!

Cunning Plan

Craig: I have this problem after watching Black Adder (a T.V. show) that I say cunning plan every time I mean I have an idea.  And it's getting worse.

Me: Honey, I love it when you have a cunning plan.

Ambien Cooking

At the end of the day, we look at the crock pot concoction I had started the night before.

Craig: Honey, what's in this?

Me: I don't really remember.  Some juice, chicken, bbq sauce, onions, potatoes, lemon juice... and I forget.

Craig: No more cooking on ambien.

We had take out that night.

Toothpaste

After Craig bought a bulk pack of toothpaste.

Me: This is great.  I'm going to brush my teeth all night.

Craig: We can have a toothbrush party.

Oh, the wild life we lead.

My Birthday

Me: I bought myself a birthday gift.

Craig: So are you going to put it in storage for a month till your birthday?

Me: Ummm, it's for last year's birthday.

Wheeling and Dealing of Time

While discussing the Wheel of Time.

Me: Isn't that a well-known book?

Craig: It's known for the first book being amazing, the next two being ok, and then the next six going seriously downhill until the author dies.

Me: Did it get better after that?

Zombies and Children

The kids outside my apartment are yelling about zombies.  Wonder if I should be concerned.

Migraine Superhero

Today I had a terrible migraine, so I used a pen/needle that injects migraine medication by me literally jabbing it into my thigh.  I felt very much like the superheros that need to inject themselves with pure adrenaline to save themselves after some apocalyptic battle.

My leg hurts like a bitch.  And I'm disappointed I didn't save the world.

Cat's Schrodinger

Schrodinger might have been more accurate to claim that if there was box, a cat would find his way in.

Herding cats is not that difficult if you have a can of tuna.  Now herding, say, sloths, that might be tough. #heardingcats

Craig: You're a Hufflepuff.
Me: Fine, then you're a squib.