Bribes

Jessica: So Ron was trying to bribe me with money so I'd give him the luggage I won.

Me: Doesn't that mean he was trying to buy it?

Skateboarding

Craig: I think it's funny that people wear 'Skateboarding is not a crime' shirts, because sometimes it is.

Writing

While trying to write a novel in a month.

Me: I am either writing political satire or chick lit. I'm not sure which at this point.

Beauty Contest

While watching a movie about a beauty pageant, the contestants are asked who they would have lunch with.

Craig: I would have lunch with Hitler, so then I could kill him.

Me: Can I enter you in a beauty pageant?

Movie Time

While watching a movie a about a guy in a car accident.

Me: So then he gets brain damage and thinks he's in a Lifetime movie. See, it's brain damage, because he's actually in a Showtime movie.

Craig: I always think I'm in a Lifetime movie.

Dogma

Me: If I started a religion, converts would get a free puppies.

Craig: But that wouldn't enforce the religious dogma.

Wake Up

Craig: If you didn't want me to be annoying, why did you wake me up?*

*Told at 1pm.

Pumpkin Patch

Craig: We should dress the pets up like pumpkins and tie them together.

Me: Why?

Craig: So we'd have a pumpkin patch.

Racist

Craig: I am really good at racing. That makes me a racist.

Apples to Oranges

Craig: I hate it when people use the phrase 'apples to oranges.' Of course you can compare them. There's weight, sugar content, or preference. They are very comparable items. Really, it should be 'comparing apples to religious freedom in Soviet Russia.'

A menorah made out of oranges, better not to compare it to anything.

Clubbing

On a Friday night:

Me: You want to go clubbing?

Craig: Baby seals?

Corndogs

As our dog, Buttercup, is begging for a corn dog Craig is eating.

Craig to dog: No Buttercup, there is no trick you can do to get yourself a corn dog, unless you can drive to the store and buy your own damn corn dogs. I'm kidding, you only need to learn to go to the kitchen and microwave yourself one.

Harry Potter

As we're watching Harry Potter.

Me: So do you want to see the Quidditch World Cup?

Craig: uhh, duh.

Camels

Craig: Do you ever see a dramedy and think it said dromedary? Then I think this movie would be so much better with camels.

Feet

Me: I wonder if Buttercup (my dog) thinks my feet need cleaning or are really tasty. She's licking them right now.

Puppies

Craig: I turn all of my opponents' weaponry into puppies.

Hospital

While visiting family at the hospital.

Me: I'm OCD, so I don't like public bathrooms, but hospitals bathrooms are the worst. I'm afraid I'll catch the Bubonic plague or something.

Craig: Oh, get over it and go pee.

Bachelor Chow

Craig: I've finally found a food both Buttercup (our dog) and I can eat and enjoy!

Me: I'm worried.

Craig: We love beef jerky.

Negative Thinking

While waiting in a hospital waiting room, I see a lot of 'The Power of Positive Thinking' posters.

Me: You never see posters for 'The Power of Negative Thinking,' which is unfortunate. There's a lot you can get done with negative thinking.

Movies

Craig: You know, all movies with Nicolas Cage would be so much better if they were recast with John Cusack. If I was rich, I'd re-film all the scenes with Nicolas Cage replaced with John Cusack.

Tiara

Me: Craig, when you go downtown, will you get me a tiara?

Craig: What do you need a tiara for?

Me: What don't I need a tiara for?

Craig: No, and it's for your own good.

Me: Oh, I will get one. You cannot thwart my tiara efforts.

Puppy Munch

Me: Craig, do you ever worry that Buttercup (our dog) is not just trying to lick us, but slowly eat us, like a Tootsie Pop? Wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center...

Bad Sequel

Craig: I'm going to make a sequel to 'Mars Needs Moms.' It's going to be call 'Venus Needs Second Cousins.'

Proposal Zombies

Me: I think girls like it when guys propose because it's the one time they put it all on the line. Guys don't express their feelings that often.

Craig: Guys don't have feelings. We're like zombies.

WWE meet RuPaul

Me: What are you watching?

Craig: Is a competition show where the winner gets in the WWE. It's not really like RuPaul's Drag Race.

Me: Actually, the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race becomes the WWE champion.

Craig: Man, that would improve both shows.

Hair

Me: I wish I had hair you could just run a brush through. Instead, I have to blow dry with special brushes, sacrifice a goat to the hair gods alter and pray to the hair gel gods, and then hope for a good hair day.

Cranky

Me: Are you ok, you sound cranky?

Craig: Can't I be cranky? Are you trying to take my cranky from me?

Me: No, I just think you should direct your cranky to someone who isn't me.

Salsa

Craig: I'm having a love affair with salsa.

Wine and Business

Me: It seems all the best projects I've had during my MBA involve wine. Studying the business of wine, drinking wine, working 0n wine marketing, drinking wine, drinking more wine...

Calm and Tiara

Me: Keep calm and carry on and wear a tiara.

Invitations Part 2

Me: So what should we do with all the wedding invites with the wrong date on them??

Craig: Send them to our enemies?

My 80s Wedding

Craig and I drive by a pink and teal building.

Me: So what would you do if I changed our wedding colors to pink and teal?

Craig: I'd throw you out.

Me: Of the car or the wedding?

Craig: Both.

Mean Things

In response to some mean comment.

Me: Craig, did you say that mean thing?

Craig: I don't know. I say lots of mean things.

Invitations

Our wedding invitations were printed with the wrong date.

Me: Craig, we need to reorder the wedding invitations or change our wedding date.

Mean People

Me: Craig, you're being mean. You know where mean people go?

Craig: Uhh... New Jersey?

Stamps

Me: My mom offered to give us stamps for our wedding invitations. But I don't think they'll work.

Craig: Why? What's the design?

Me: The Liberty bell. Liberty seems contrary to getting married.

Craig: True.

Updates:

After showing this post to my mom.

Mom: Well, you could trade them in for the "Ball and Chain" stamps.

The Least

Craig: I can't even do the least I can do.

Laundry

Me: Craig, will you please move the laundry off the bed, I want to take a nap.

Craig: Every time I find a place to fold laundry, you tell me to move it.

Me: You mean like how you're always folding it on one of the beds?

Pony

Craig explains the differences between horses and ponies.

Craig: And Shetland ponies are the smartest ones.

Me: Can we get a Shetland pony?

Craig: No.

Me: But if it's so smart, it can run the house for us.

Craig: No, he will sell the condo to an immigrant family, change his name, and buy himself a pony ranch.